| It's almost over... |
[Sep. 11th, 2008|02:28 am] |
...second worst day of the year.
At least it's all uphill until christmas...
Oh, wait... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2008|03:19 am] |
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No matter what I do I can't keep her out of my soul... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2008|06:44 am] |
can't sleep... too much stress, some depression thrown on top. feeling the weight of inevitability crashing down up on me.
i had to STOP myself from crying tonight, it was for the wrong reasons.
i can't say i'm not scared... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2008|02:13 am] |
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Christ, I can't even keep my head screwed on straight... I'm up and fucking down for whatever reason stumbles by... |
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| Tonight... |
[Aug. 28th, 2008|01:37 am] |
...I want to scream. The part of me that's been winning the good fight faltered and now the bad voices are winning again. After everything I've done, every step I've made, it's all come crashing down. I want to scream at people who waltz through their lives so self deluded that they thing everything they are, everything they have was earned. I want to pummel self righteous pricks who think everyone is in the spot they deserve with the largest rock I can find. We all make our own way--that's why my credit is shattered from my parents massive debt, that's why I owe mountains of money on credit cards they took out in my name...
But hey, maybe it's just me... After all every time I've trusted someone I've been burned. Every time I've opened up I've been slapped down. It's hard enough waking up in the morning without being told that everything bad that's ever happened in my life is all my fault.
*shrug* |
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| insanity, oingo boingo |
[Aug. 19th, 2008|09:41 am] |
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I'd love to take you home with me and tuck you into bed. I'd love to see what makes you tick inside your pretty head. I wish that I could keep you in a precious Chinese box. On Sundays I would pray for you, so it would never stop. I'd love to hear you laugh tonight, I'd love to hear you weep. I'd love to listen to you while you're screaming in your sleep. I'd love to soothe you with my voice, and take your hand in mine. I'd love to take you past the stars, beyond the reach of time. I'd love to see inside your mind, and tear it all apart! To cut you open with a knife, and find your sacred heart! I'd love to take your satin dolls and tear them all to shreds! I'd love to mess your pretty hair, I'd love to see you dead! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|08:00 am] |
And there are the tears...
It's been too long. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|07:57 am] |
Sometimes I can't believe I even wake up in the morning. I've got nothing, no one. Everything around me is shallow, hollow, tainted...
My mind races endlessly and has for days... If it were the ages long since past I'd simply dedicate what life I have left to the road, letting the sting of battle, the pain of the wilds drown out the shades inside. There are so few who care that I doubt any great loss would be felt.
Maybe I should simply lay myself out to die? Every time things look up everything falls to pieces anyway. Maybe casting hope aside would fix these problems. If I give up on finding a place in this world, a warm breast to lay my head upon, and a life worth living these wearisome moments of hope and drive will stop coming and I can lead a life of quiet misery.
Why do I write here anyway? I think, perhaps, knowing that no eyes but my own will ever rest upon these words gives me freedom to let everything go. I know in the parts of me that I hide from everyone that I simply hold the smallest, faintest glimmer of chance that someone, somewhere might empathize... someone whom might stumble across these words, as if by fate, and feel as though we walk hand in hand. These things never happen though and the best I'd ever get would be a quick, four word 'lol i kno dude' which, and this might be the saddest thing of all, would still be the most understanding another human being has given me in far too long.
Now, at four thirty in the morning, I stare at the clock and wish beyond wishing, hope beyond hope that I might cry myself to sleep... but I know I can't. I'll just lay in bed tossing and turning as my mind spins circles unto itself, keeping me from any semblance of rest... Just letting it would for a little while would help. In this instance my stoicism is definitely not welcome but impossible to drive away. |
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| Not as long as it seems. |
[Aug. 7th, 2008|07:38 am] |
It's not as long as it's seemed since I've posted... but i feel it's been too long anyhow.
My life is still in shambles--she's left me with a terrible gaping hole that won't stop burning... She's the master of unresolved goodbyes, and at this point even a little bit of proper closure would help a world. I find myself passing up opportunities all about because I know I'm still an emotional wreck and I'm absolutely certain I'll have trust issues for years to come or I'll end up settling for someone so far beneath me I know they could never find better and end up treating them like trash... so instead I'll just stay single and not ruin anymore lives.
Piles of missing entries, you've noticed? The last words she ever spoke to me were asking me to take them down, so I did. Regardless of everything that's happened I respect her enough for that. I'm not entirely sure why, but I do.
Also, I'm back in school. Registered yesterday, signing up for classes tomorrow. Maybe something will go right for a change. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|11:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Things make some sense now. D: |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2008|11:20 am] |
She has such a hold over me I don't think anything shy of a bullet could remove it.
No matter how terribly it hurts, the only thing I want in life is her. |
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| Clarity |
[Mar. 26th, 2008|10:12 pm] |
Things have a little more of it now. The situation isn't entirely pleasant, but it's far from Bad.
I have patience... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2008|04:25 am] |
I've at least found a little something to focus on for the time being...
I'm being dragged to wits end and I'm tired of it all...
Maybe being Cold isn't as bad as I thought...
Here's to a rough road ahead, to rework my entire self to stop the pain.
I know it's possible, I've seen it happen more than once. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2008|04:45 am] |
Insomnia again...
Sometimes I think I bring it on myself, that I'm absolutely petrified of sleep, of letting my subconscious run wild.
No one around me has the slightest clue.
And to top it all off my phone keeps taunting me, lighting up like a message or call is incoming... I turn as it flares only to stare at it disappointed.
Dunno what else to say. |
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| Rawr |
[Mar. 21st, 2008|08:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work. | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Murderous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Love You Like I Do -- HIM | ] |
I knew it was too good to last. ~_~
I'm back to raging. It took everything I had and a night of hard tears to bring myself down, but now I'm ready to wrap my hands around someone's soul and rend it to simple, digestable bits.
Even with my Ipod back... the music isn't helping.
I'm not giving up.
I'm not surrendering.
I'm screaming into the night because, like always, I know nothing.
Six days now, silence. I'd take anything over silence.
Kick me, cut me, burn me, just don't ignore me.
Of course, if you're looking to truly hurt me that's the only way to do it. If you know anything about me you know that I'm not an idiot, as much as I try to be. I see enough to know that I'm being ignored.
I can't wait to hear what I did to deserve it.
What would be even better would be this furious, seething raw pain that builds a need to destroy deep inside me is all my imagination. ^_^
After all this hard work to put myself into my optimism, to bring back hope, to convince myself everything is alright... Why the fuck do I bother? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2008|04:50 pm] |
I think I'm back to normal. Back to center.
This is a good thing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2008|03:54 pm] |
So I've found something that's been missing for a while.
Lacking a better term, I'll call it my Bloodlust.
I want to scream at the moon.
I want to run through the streets.
I want to fight.
It's been too long, and I've missed this feeling. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2008|09:24 am] |
It's not very hard to have faith.
What's hard is getting the bastard part of your brain to shut the fuck up.
What's hard is going through your day wanting nothing more than to hear a kind word and never getting it.
What's hard is explaining this to anyone--it causes all kinds of neurosis.
I'm lonely. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2008|04:44 pm] |
I'm writing a variety of things. My blackjack makes it incredibly easy to just type away my thoughts as they come to me.
I'll wait until I have sufficient amounts piled up to sort through, then put a few things up here.
It's very theraputic. |
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