Running with the Pride

It's almost over...

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 02:29:26 GMT

...second worst day of the year.

At least it's all uphill until christmas...

Oh, wait...

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 03:19:51 GMT

No matter what I do I can't keep her out of my soul...

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 06:45:56 GMT

can't sleep... too much stress, some depression thrown on top. feeling the weight of inevitability crashing down up on me.

i had to STOP myself from crying tonight, it was for the wrong reasons.

i can't say i'm not scared...

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 02:13:40 GMT

Christ, I can't even keep my head screwed on straight... I'm up and fucking down for whatever reason stumbles by...

Tonight...

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 02:01:27 GMT

...I want to scream. The part of me that's been winning the good fight faltered and now the bad voices are winning again. After everything I've done, every step I've made, it's all come crashing down. I want to scream at people who waltz through their lives so self deluded that they thing everything they are, everything they have was earned. I want to pummel self righteous pricks who think everyone is in the spot they deserve with the largest rock I can find. We all make our own way--that's why my credit is shattered from my parents massive debt, that's why I owe mountains of money on credit cards they took out in my name...

But hey, maybe it's just me... After all every time I've trusted someone I've been burned. Every time I've opened up I've been slapped down. It's hard enough waking up in the morning without being told that everything bad that's ever happened in my life is all my fault.

*shrug*

insanity, oingo boingo

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 09:41:32 GMT

I'd love to take you home with me and tuck you into bed. I'd love to see what makes you tick inside your pretty head. I wish that I could keep you in a precious Chinese box. On Sundays I would pray for you, so it would never stop. I'd love to hear you laugh tonight, I'd love to hear you weep. I'd love to listen to you while you're screaming in your sleep. I'd love to soothe you with my voice, and take your hand in mine. I'd love to take you past the stars, beyond the reach of time. I'd love to see inside your mind, and tear it all apart! To cut you open with a knife, and find your sacred heart! I'd love to take your satin dolls and tear them all to shreds! I'd love to mess your pretty hair, I'd love to see you dead!

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 08:01:10 GMT

And there are the tears...

It's been too long.

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 07:57:16 GMT

Sometimes I can't believe I even wake up in the morning. I've got nothing, no one. Everything around me is shallow, hollow, tainted...

My mind races endlessly and has for days... If it were the ages long since past I'd simply dedicate what life I have left to the road, letting the sting of battle, the pain of the wilds drown out the shades inside. There are so few who care that I doubt any great loss would be felt.

Maybe I should simply lay myself out to die? Every time things look up everything falls to pieces anyway. Maybe casting hope aside would fix these problems. If I give up on finding a place in this world, a warm breast to lay my head upon, and a life worth living these wearisome moments of hope and drive will stop coming and I can lead a life of quiet misery.

Why do I write here anyway? I think, perhaps, knowing that no eyes but my own will ever rest upon these words gives me freedom to let everything go. I know in the parts of me that I hide from everyone that I simply hold the smallest, faintest glimmer of chance that someone, somewhere might empathize... someone whom might stumble across these words, as if by fate, and feel as though we walk hand in hand. These things never happen though and the best I'd ever get would be a quick, four word 'lol i kno dude' which, and this might be the saddest thing of all, would still be the most understanding another human being has given me in far too long.

Now, at four thirty in the morning, I stare at the clock and wish beyond wishing, hope beyond hope that I might cry myself to sleep... but I know I can't. I'll just lay in bed tossing and turning as my mind spins circles unto itself, keeping me from any semblance of rest... Just letting it would for a little while would help. In this instance my stoicism is definitely not welcome but impossible to drive away.

Not as long as it seems.

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 07:45:46 GMT

It's not as long as it's seemed since I've posted... but i feel it's been too long anyhow.

My life is still in shambles--she's left me with a terrible gaping hole that won't stop burning... She's the master of unresolved goodbyes, and at this point even a little bit of proper closure would help a world. I find myself passing up opportunities all about because I know I'm still an emotional wreck and I'm absolutely certain I'll have trust issues for years to come or I'll end up settling for someone so far beneath me I know they could never find better and end up treating them like trash... so instead I'll just stay single and not ruin anymore lives.

Piles of missing entries, you've noticed? The last words she ever spoke to me were asking me to take them down, so I did. Regardless of everything that's happened I respect her enough for that. I'm not entirely sure why, but I do.

Also, I'm back in school. Registered yesterday, signing up for classes tomorrow. Maybe something will go right for a change.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 11:46:47 GMT

Things make some sense now. D:

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 15:23:11 GMT

She has such a hold over me I don't think anything shy of a bullet could remove it.

No matter how terribly it hurts, the only thing I want in life is her.

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 02:28:05 GMT

I'm lonely.

Clarity

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 22:13:52 GMT

Things have a little more of it now. The situation isn't entirely pleasant, but it's far from Bad.

I have patience...

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 04:27:02 GMT

I've at least found a little something to focus on for the time being...

I'm being dragged to wits end and I'm tired of it all...

Maybe being Cold isn't as bad as I thought...

Here's to a rough road ahead, to rework my entire self to stop the pain.

I know it's possible, I've seen it happen more than once.

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 04:48:16 GMT

Insomnia again...

Sometimes I think I bring it on myself, that I'm absolutely petrified of sleep, of letting my subconscious run wild.

No one around me has the slightest clue.

And to top it all off my phone keeps taunting me, lighting up like a message or call is incoming... I turn as it flares only to stare at it disappointed.

Dunno what else to say.

Rawr

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 00:35:01 GMT

I knew it was too good to last. ~_~

I'm back to raging. It took everything I had and a night of hard tears to bring myself down, but now I'm ready to wrap my hands around someone's soul and rend it to simple, digestable bits.

Even with my Ipod back... the music isn't helping.

I'm not giving up.

I'm not surrendering.

I'm screaming into the night because, like always, I know nothing.

Six days now, silence. I'd take anything over silence.

Kick me, cut me, burn me, just don't ignore me.

Of course, if you're looking to truly hurt me that's the only way to do it. If you know anything about me you know that I'm not an idiot, as much as I try to be. I see enough to know that I'm being ignored.

I can't wait to hear what I did to deserve it.

What would be even better would be this furious, seething raw pain that builds a need to destroy deep inside me is all my imagination. ^_^

After all this hard work to put myself into my optimism, to bring back hope, to convince myself everything is alright... Why the fuck do I bother?

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 20:51:04 GMT

I think I'm back to normal. Back to center.

This is a good thing.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 19:55:02 GMT

So I've found something that's been missing for a while.

Lacking a better term, I'll call it my Bloodlust.

I want to scream at the moon.

I want to run through the streets.

I want to fight.

It's been too long, and I've missed this feeling.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:27:17 GMT

It's not very hard to have faith.

What's hard is getting the bastard part of your brain to shut the fuck up.

What's hard is going through your day wanting nothing more than to hear a kind word and never getting it.

What's hard is explaining this to anyone--it causes all kinds of neurosis.

I'm lonely.

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:45:21 GMT

I'm writing a variety of things. My blackjack makes it incredibly easy to just type away my thoughts as they come to me.

I'll wait until I have sufficient amounts piled up to sort through, then put a few things up here.

It's very theraputic.

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:42:17 GMT

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

All night long the faucet kept going, providing a strange soothing rhythm that helped focus my thoughts and keep my mind from wandering too far. Staring at the ceiling I wonder why so many people can't stand the tap tap tapping of the water and the steel. It brings me solace, in a strange way. I can just wrap my mind around the sound, looking for a deeper pattern that perhaps holds some ancient secret locked away from mankind yet hidden so close we wouldn't even begin to look.

I'm still listening to it now. I could go turn off the faucet but it breaks the silence, and I don't think I'd like it to be silent right now.

The silence is killing me.

I prefer anything to nothing.

Bad news over no news.

My phone is taunting me. It's testing my patience. It keeps flaring to life as to bring notice to an incoming message or call, but nothing happens. It's just trying to get to me. As the screen brightens I can see through the UI to the dark heart laughing at me, cackling at my apparent madness. I won't let it beat me. It's just a phone. If it was that easy for an inanimate object to strike at my weaknesses I'd be a laughing stock, a waste of skin.

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 02:03:05 GMT

As always, when life's got me down, I try to throw myself into something to keep my mind off of things.

And as always, shit gets fucked up because people don't have any fucking respect.

Bad Omens

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 00:32:02 GMT

tonight has been just chock full of them

i'm certain that something terrible will happen
or
something terrible has already happened

thirty minutes and i'm out

another thirty and i'm home

i'm sure something terrible is waiting for me.

where's that optimism when i need it?

Just stuff

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 22:37:29 GMT

I'm trying to be as cold as I can be. It's hard. I'm trying to shut everything off. I'm trying because if I don't I'll bend and twist and rip my still beating heart out of my chest just so I don't have to hear it anymore.

I'll sit, staring at it, wondering why I haven't died... for a few moments, at least. Then, in a most ignoble fashion, I'll slump over in a pool of my own ichor.

The only questions that will remain are will I bleed to death before I drown?

As always, I'm being far too over the top. I'm a drama queen. I recognize this. I don't know how to fix it. Every little thing seems to be a thousand times more important than it is, and I have to fight with every breath to keep myself from having panic attacks for the most inappropriate of reasons. Every now and then this raw visceral deep fear catches up to me. Every time I inhale my chest sharply winces. Every time I force the wind from my lungs it feels as though part of my soul flies off, leaving a hollow deep inside.

The worst part isn't the angst ridden self inflicted worry that tears me apart and stops me from sleeping.

The worst part is when I get this far
my
mind
joins
in.

The worry goes from something I can can control into something that completely controls me. The neurotic little bastard who hides deep inside, behind the darkest parts of my soul, starts telling me how everything is wrong. He points out how every little slight, real and imagined, is an attack against me. Every little snub is a sniper's bullet.

And I start to believe him.

I start to look for reasons to be worried. I start to find fears come to life.

And far too often, I'm right. Every vile thought comes to life. Is it self fulfilling? Do I do this to myself? I'm not sure, but precognition isn't my strongest suit.

It doesn't help that I'm in such a tenuous position right now. I've committed myself to being noncommitted, essentially. My entire life is on pause because of a choice I've made--a choice I would make a hundred times over. A choice I will never resent. The people around me don't realize how hard this is for me. Everyone wants me to be pushed and pulled in different directions, directions that may be what is truly best for me. I've made my decision, and that decision is to stand firm, stand fast alongside what matters most to me. Things are hard for her, in many ways that I wish I could help with, in ways I wish I could understand... But it's hard to comprehend what's happening when you have to sit outside and look in through the windows. I hope you understand that things are very difficult for me, too. My entire future is up in the air. I don't blame you at all, it's a decision I made, and a decision I will see through to the end. I just ask for appreciation and understanding.

I can only get my words out like this. In person I'm too easily flustered to explain my world view, as I start to doubt myself when challenged my someone who's opinion I respect.

So every morning when I wake up to silence, every night as I lay down in an empty bed, ephemeral fiends tear at my consciousness, and I fight them back with a cheerful greeting. Sometimes it works.

Sometimes it doesn't.

And I feel alone.

All alone.

I look about and see nothing.

I reach out but no one responds.

The only thing I hear is my echo.

----------------

Despite this, I march forward. I don't allow myself to second guess my choices and I use simple, saved whisperings and phantoms of happy times to keep my spirits high.

Slowly, though, something inside is trying to make me cold. It's making me shut off my emotions.

And slowly, it's gaining ground.

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 14:07:32 GMT

Just an update.

Like always, my fears are unfounded. Life isn't that bad, although drama abounds around me. The little things give me hope, and (at least for the moment) I could take on the entire world.